aderfp633
Inscrit le: 27 Sep 2011
Messages: 7915
Localisation: England
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 Posté le: Lun Sep 16, 2013 6:43 am Sujet du message: he could say it’ |
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{Divorced older boyfriend not interested in marriage}
Featured VideoClose More Video Feast-Cold Corn Soup My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. He’s 14 years older than me,[url=http://www.toms-shoes-sale.com]Toms Shoes Sale[/url],[url=http://www.toms-shoes-sale.com]Toms Shoes Outlet[/url], and has been divorced once. I’m 25. Recently, we’ve discussed moving in together. Problem is,[url=http://www.toms-shoes-sale.com]Cheap Toms[/url], he doesn’t want to get married and has told me that I’ll have to get over that, if I’m thinking of moving in.And,[url=http://www.toms-shoes-sale.com]Toms Shoes Sale[/url], I realize that I’m really not okay with that. But I love him and can’t imagine my life without him. Every time we talk about it, we get into an argument and change the subject.So my options seem to be, get over the marriage thing, or move on. Both of which make me very upset to think about. I don’t know what to do or say and need help. Unfortunately, I can imagine your life living with him over the years — arguments erupting whenever you feel insecure about not being married, more issues re: having kids (especially as you get older and may feel the ticking clock). Also,[url=http://www.toms-shoes-sale.com]Cheap Toms[/url], your own letter has sounded alarms such that I can easily imagine him controlling the relationship, with you becoming increasingly frustrated and unhappy.One alarm comes from his choice of words, that you “get over” what matters to you, since it’s something different from what matters to him.The other alert is your mentioning his age as a first detail about him. It subtly suggests that he has the upper hand, not just that there’s an age gap between you.Also, at 39, he IS at an age of turning-point decisions, and one of his is against marriage. He may one day change his mind,[url=http://www.toms-shoes-sale.com]Toms Shoes Outlet[/url], but I believe it’s not likely he’ll do so for you, because he holds all the power between you two.Do NOT just give in to secure him. If you can’t just say, “No, this isn’t for me,” then get personal counselling and learn more about yourself — who you are, what you want, and what you can accept from him or anyone else.My husband’s siblings (adults) have quarrelled all their lives. One often tries to get my husband involved, while the other sibling’s happy to just leave things as is. Several years ago, my husband said he’s no longer participating in their on-going disputes. We have young children and great careers, and this situation was draining and stressful on us. Is this the right thing to do? At what point is one no longer “responsible” for sorting out family quarrels?There’s a line between protecting oneself and withdrawing. He’s clearly been a moderate voice and conciliatory influence on the other two.But it takes time, energy, and does cause stress to be in the middle.A couple of approaches: Do nothing; he’s already backed away. (This could cause lack of contact with both, even on happy occasions, also potential major rifts if there are future parent care and/or inheritance issues.)OR, he could say he’s not interested in trivial disputes and personality differences, only to stay in touch . . . and he’ll get involved if anything’s a major issue (e.g. health, parent care, etc.).A third option does require some involvement: Since he’s the trusted brother for the other two, he could say it’s time they grow up and resolve whatever has caused their basic jealousy/antagonism. It could be parental favouritism, competition, an old hurt, etc. If they’ll go to family counselling, and sort it out, he’ll stay “involved” with them when they’re freed from this burden. TIP OF THE DAYWhen a supposed partner says simply, “Get over it,” there’s not much equality evident.Broken DreamsUncertain RoleRead Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca . Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at the star.com/elliechat . Follow @ellieadvice.
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