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{ Q&A: Mike Tyson's 'Mom' Peers Into the Russian Mind }
Courtesy of Marilyn Murray Marilyn Murray attending a sports fashion show with Mike Tyson, who calls her “Mom,” in Moscow in 2005. There is only one person inthe world who boxing legend Mike Tyson calls "Mom" — andshe's not his biological mother, who died when he was 16. Thetitle goes toMarilyn Murray, aU.S.-born descendant ofRussian immigrants who is also ascholar ofthe Russian mind. Tyson turned toMurray, apsychotherapist, following his 1995 release fromprison, where he served three years forrape. But after working with him forseveral years, Murray faced adilemma: While Tyson was starting toget serious about getting healthy, she was beginning towork inRussia andcould no longer be his therapist. "At this time he didn't have alot ofhealthy, balanced people around him, so I began introducing him topeople whom I knew, including other professional athletes, andalso tothe members ofmy family," Murray said. "Our relationship began tochange. He started toparticipate invarious events with my family andbegan introducing me as his mom." Marilyn Murray Education 1985 – California State University (Sonoma, California), master’s in psychology 1983 – Ottawa University (Phoenix, Arizona), bachelor’s in psychology Work Experience 1984-Present: educator, therapist, theorist, The Murray Method professional training and workshops, United States and other countries 2010-Present: professor, Institute of Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, Moscow 2004-08: guest professor, Moscow State University of Psychology and Education, Moscow 1968-84: Art dealer, Scottsdale, Arizona Author of two books, “Prisoner of Another War” (1991), available in Russian and in English, and the forthcoming “The Murray Method” (2012), which will be published in Russian and English. Favorite book: Bible Reading now: “Stalin: Triumph and Tragedy” (1996) by Dmitry Volkogonov (this is my 10th book on Stalin) Favorite Moscow restaurant: Trattoria-Venetsia, 4/3 Strastnoi Bulvar Weekend getaway destination: I don’t do weekend getaways, but I recently took a 15-day trip on the Golden Eagle Trans-Siberian Express from Moscow to Vladivostok. Murray, who met informally with Tyson during subsequent trips back tothe United States, described him as "very different" fromhow most ofthe world sees him — aperson who can be shy andsensitive, polite andprotective. "He also has anenormous interest inRussia," she said. "When I would return toArizona fromMoscow, we would usually spend some time together. He would often say, 'Mom, I want tocome tosee you inRussia.'" Murray said she never believed that he would actually come toRussia, but in2005, he arrived andstayed two weeks. "It was anamazing time, with crowds ofpeople ofall ages following us everywhere we went," she said. "There were numerous pictures ofus inThe Moscow Times andother papers, andon television. I deliberately did not give journalists my name, so everyone reported that Mike Tyson was accompanied byan unidentified woman. That lady was me." While she sought anonymity during Tyson's visit, Murray is not unknown. Murray, 75, first made aname forherself inthe 1970s as abusinesswoman who co-founded thefirst major arts gallery inScottsdale, Arizona, acity now known as aregional art center with more than 100 galleries. Murray also grew interested incountries behind theIron Curtain when she joined agroup fromher local church inspiriting U.S. dollars intoCzechoslovakia togive toneedy people. Inthe 1980s, Murray confronted sexual abuse fromher own childhood andsank her heart intopsychology. She developed apioneering therapy andtreatment model fortrauma — theMurray Method — that has been embraced byorganizations inthe United States andelsewhere. Murray also worked pro bono forsix years with incarcerated U.S. sex offenders andwrote anautobiography. She moved toMoscow in2002 after Russian therapists andclergy told her that they lacked training ontrauma, abuse andneglect ina country that had long denied that those issues existed andthat they found her Murray Method seminars particularly useful. Her students learn byapplying thecoursework totheir own lives. "I always say you can't ask your clients todo something that you haven't done yourself," said Murray, president ofthe Murray Method International Center inMoscow. "I require thesame thing inthe United States." Thousands ofhours ofclasses have provided Murray with arare insight intothe Russian psyche that she will share inan upcoming book, "The Murray Method," anda weekly Moscow Times column that will debut Tuesday. Ofthe 2,000 people whom Murray has taught inRussia, many ofher male students were attracted byher connection toMike Tyson. "I have had numerous men who said they came tomy classes because someone told them that Mike had come here toMoscow tosee me andthat he regards me as his mom," Murray said. "They figured that if I could work with Mike Tyson, I could work with them." Q: Why did you come toRussia, andwhy have you stayed? A: My father's parents were born insmall villages near Saratov onthe Volga — my grandfather in1858 andmy grandmother in1866. But when, as achild, I would ask my father about his childhood, he would simply say, "It is too painful. I don't want totalk about it." When I would ask my mother, she would say they had tried tocontact my father's family members left inRussia but were never able toget through. Then in1996, I received apackage with my father's family tree froma cousin I never knew existed. When theSoviet system collapsed in1991, this cousin was able tocontact aprofessor inSaratov andpaid him toresearch our family history bygoing through old birth, marriage anddeath records inan archive inEngels inthe Saratov region. When I learned that my grandfather's family had lived ina village named Talovka since 1767, I started tocry. It was like I had found half ofmy life that I didn't know existed. Thebig shock was that I had always been told — andmy father had died believing — that he was theyoungest ofseven children. But I found fromthis chart that he was actually theyoungest of12, andfive siblings, that he didn't even know existed, had been born anddied here inRussia. In2002, when I was asked toteach one week ofa six-month addictions program inMoscow, I was eager toaccept. When I finished, many people said, "We really need you. Fortunately we now have several people teaching us how totreat addictions, but no one is helping us learn how todeal with trauma, abuse, neglect andall ofthe pain that we have been carrying inRussia forcenturies." They begged me, "Please, will you stay?" So I did. During that first trip in2002, I also went toSaratov foreight days. I visited both my grandfather's andmy grandmother's villages andsaw where my family had lived formore than 200 years. It was avery powerful time forme, especially since I had learned that every single member ofmy family had been brutalized bythe Soviet system. Some died ofstarvation during the'20s and'30s, andothers were killed outright. One ofmy father's uncles was themayor ofTalovka, andin 1931, when theSoviets implemented forced collectivization anddemanded all thevillage's grain, he said, "If I give you all thegrain, everybody will die ofstarvation." They buried him alive. One ofhis sons was shot, andanother was beaten todeath. Two daughters were sent tothe gulag. When I heard these things, it touched my heart andconfirmed that I needed tobe here, that this was home forme. Why have I stayed? Russia truly feels like home. I have many close friends andcolleagues here. I also am ahistory buff and, having owned anart gallery foryears, am very interested inart. I just visited theTretyakov Gallery forthe 15th time. If you are interested inculture andart andhistory, there is no place like Russia. Q: What qualifies you tospeak as anexpert onthe Russian mind? A: TheRussian personality is so complex that it would be inaccurate tosay anyone was anexpert. But I will say this: What qualifies me tospeak as somebody learning tounderstand theRussian psyche is thefact that I have taught about 2,000 students in117 classes over 10 years. Thestudents work onpainful issues fromtheir childhoods andadult lives, andthey share things that they say they have never shared with anyone else before, not even their closest loved ones. I regard this as avery special honor andI deeply respect their courage andwillingness toaddress so many issues that were always regarded inthe past as "the unspeakable." I do not address issues ofRussian politics, business or ecology because I don't specialize inthese areas. But when it comes tothe Russian mind andwhy people do what they do, this is my field ofstudy — andnot just inRussia. I have students from37 countries, andresearching why people act andreact ina certain manner is greatly intriguing tome. Q: What should foreigners know or understand about Russians? A: There are many answers tothis question, andI will attempt toaddress some ofthem inmy future columns. One ofthe more obvious responses concerns priorities — forRussians, relationships andcommunication are very important, while Americans value responsibility andbeing organized, among other things. Here's anexample that made me laugh. Inone ofmy classes, thestudents put ona skit about how Russians andAmericans prepare forconferences. First they acted out thepart ofthe Americans, sitting down ata table with their briefcases ayear before theconference was toopen. Every person was assigned aresponsibility: one forthe program, one forthe advertising, one tolocate afacility, andso on. After theinitial meeting, thegroup gathered regularly forfollow-up planning, and, ofcourse, everything was ready when theconference opened. Then thestudents said theRussian way would be like this: Theconference is scheduled forMonday, andon Thursday or Friday before theevent theorganizers have tea andone says, "You know, I think we are having aconference onMonday. Has anybody found aplace where we could have it, andwho do you think would want tocome andspeak?" It was like they were sitting there, talking, laughing andenjoying each other's company, andthe conference became wedged inbetween other conversations. Inwork negotiations, anAmerican will probably come toa meeting andimmediately get down tobusiness — usually checking theclock tomake certain everything is running onschedule. He also expects tohave timely follow-up meetings inwhich both sides come prepared tonegotiate adeal. But when aRussian is incharge, he might sit down andsay, "Tell me about your family. Do you have any children? I have two children anda new grandson. Do you have any grandchildren? Here have adrink. Please leave your paperwork with us andcome back inthree or four months andwe will talk some more. Maybe then you can go tobanya with us. After that, we can sit andtalk andperhaps you can show me some pictures ofyour family. Here,[url=http://www.michael-good.ca]Michael Kors Purses[/url], have another drink …" TheNo. 1 thing that aforeign investor should know is that negotiations are going totake along time andchances are that even if you reach anagreement, it usually will not turn out theway you planned. No matter how much theother party promises something, thechances ofthe promise materializing exactly as you expected are pretty slim. I have found this out formyself, andmany ofmy Russian students admit this regularly happens tothem too. Q: What issues keep you up atnight? A: None. I have worked inthe field oftrauma for30 years andhave had tolearn that I can't carry my clients' or students' problems. When I go tobed atnight, I say, "Lord, here are these people, andtheir issues. I know you love them, andI trust you will be responsible forthem." When it comes toproblem issues, many people would be surprised about theamount oftrauma, abuse andneglect that nearly every person has experienced here. When I listen topeople tell their stories andI think I have heard absolutely theworst thing possible, I hear something even worse inthe next story. That's saying alot forsomeone who has worked with many people with serious abuse issues inthe United States. No Russian family has been protected fromWorld War II, gulags, repression, starvation,[url=http://www.michael-good.ca]michael kors canada[/url], famines andsimilarly horrific things. Part ofmy research forthe past three decades concerns how our defense mechanisms enable us tosurvive. Have you wondered why thealcoholism rate is so high inRussia anddrug use is growing? Alcohol anddrugs are major defense mechanisms used todrown pain. Unfortunately, high substance abuse also exacerbates violence — domestic violence andstreet violence ingeneral. I have found violence tobe higher here than inthe West. Q: What advice do you offer people living inMoscow onhow tolive healthy balanced lives? A: My Russian students have shared with me that under theSoviet system they had no worth as aperson — that they were only acog inthe wheel that made thestate run. One ofthe most important issues that we constantly address inour classes is tohelp each participant realize that they are unique andvaluable. I know that having apersonal value system that is based upon love andrespect forGod, self andothers, andalso having acommitment tobeing balanced — physically, emotionally, intellectually andspiritually, andin relationship with God, or your Higher Power, andother people — will result ina life ofinner peace andjoy despite outside circumstances.
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