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 Posté le: Mar Oct 01, 2013 4:02 am Sujet du message: Index |
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Index How not to be a UniLad
It's tough work fitting in at university, especially when you're trying to reinvent yourself as an independent adult and not the terrified, sexually insecure, vulnerable young person you are. During the first week,[url=http://www.moncler-sale.org]moncler outlet[/url],[url=http://www.moncler-sale.org]moncler sale[/url], you will often encounter a personality that doesn't quite ring true, the reason being that it was invented by your new mate the night before, halfway up the M6 in their mum's car, as they decided to shake off the shackles of school pigeonholing for good. University is a clean slate, my friend.Transforming one's personality overnight in order to make friends is a perilous business. There will come a time, probably when a friend from home is visiting, when people will find out your real name and see photographic evidence of how you once starred in an advert for Bazuka gel. But until that moment comes, here are some basic minimum standards of behaviour that you should aim for, based on my experience of the student male. These will not only see you through to the end of your course, but will ensure that you never become that most dreaded of all college compatriots: the macho,[url=http://www.moncler-sale.org]discount moncler jackets[/url], stone-age, sexist boozehound with an inferiority complex that is the UniLad. Here's how not to be one.Never use the term 'banter'If people find something funny,[url=http://www.moncler-sale.org]moncler on sale[/url], they won't need it pointed out to them; they'll just laugh. Likewise,[url=http://www.moncler-sale.org]moncler down jackets[/url], don't ever refer to the "banterbus", or declare yourself "Bantersaurus rex" or "the Archbishop of Banterbury". It will single you out and other UniLads will flock towards you, armed with Heineken and jokes about sexual assault. Similarly, if you're keen to meet some normal people,[url=http://www.moncler-sale.org]discount moncler jackets[/url], do not follow up everything you do with the exclamation "LAD!".Say no to costumesThis is non-negotiable, even during fresher's week, when even the most staid of students feels ready to party (in a loincloth). Just don't do it. With the exception of Halloween, a night out is never improved by a costume. It's bad enough that any normal human being who happens to be in the vicinity has to listen to 26 privileged tossers braying about how things aren't looking too good for their mate since (oops!) it turns out it was his DNA on that girl's dress (LAD!), without adding togas into the mix.Join clubs and societiesThis will enable you to meet people who, while they share the UniLad's love of the quadvod,[url=http://www.moncler-sale.org]moncler on sale[/url], don't always deem it necessary to take their shirt off on the dancefloor of the students' union. These are people who don't drink bodily fluids as part of initiation rituals, and amazingly don't consider the wedgie to be the standard form of greeting. Nice people, real people. Embrace them.Understand that women are human beingsWe really are. I realise that marking us out of 10 for sexual attractiveness reduces the multiflavoured soup of human relationships to an easily understandable number, but it's also very rude. Similarly, referring to women as wenches, whores, hos, bitches, skanks, sluts and slags is not OK. Not ever.Then treat them as suchThis means not banging a gong every time one of you has sex with a lady, not making inquiries into the purchase of Rohypnol (however tentative) and not playing "fat girl rodeo",[url=http://www.moncler-sale.org]moncler down jackets[/url], the incredibly unpleasant "game" whereby one of you jumps on an overweight girl's back while she is trying to enjoy herself at Loose Vodbox,[url=http://www.moncler-sale.org]moncler outlet[/url], or whatever your university's crappy club night is called. I'd also take down that "Keep calm and sit on my face" poster in your room.Don't abuse the pre-lashOtherwise you might have to take a break from air punching to Fatman Scoop in order to do a "tactical chunder" in the carpark. Contrary to what UniLads everywhere say, peaking too early and not being able to hold your drink, resulting in a "total vomcano" (LAD!) does not make you a "legend". Boasting about "freshers' flu", however, is standard for everyone and can usally be cleared up with a vodka berocca followed by a very long snooze and a snivelly phonecall to your mum.Step away from the funnelIt's just not worth it. Initially it seems like a great idea, but when you're having all the cheap beer pumped out of your stomach while you vomit bile into a cardboard NHS chamber pot, I can guarantee you won't feel like such a #trueLad.Don't ever complain about thefriendzoneSome of the girls that you meet at university are going to think of you as a pretty cool, standup guy, but amazingly,[url=http://www.moncler-sale.org]moncler sale[/url], they're still not going to want to sleep with you (I know this sounds incredible). But here's a suggestion: instead of moaning about how that "wench" has "friendzoned" you because you're a "nice guy", why not just, y'know, be her friend? It's revolutionary, I know.Check your privilegeLeave it at the door, posh boy. Telling people you spent £100 a day on your gap yah ("I thought I was being thrifty") or asking them where they were "schooled" might be normal opening gambits if you're keen to roll with other UniLads, but it is unlikely to wash with the proles. You don't need to hide who you are (unless you are set on rebranding yourself as an anarchist, in which case, you absolutely do), but a little humility goes a long way with the lower orders. As will the pints you have lined up on the bar for them with the help of your dad's credit card.Use a condom. And get testedI cannot stress this enough. Far less indiscriminate shagging goes on at university than you might think, but chlamydia is rife in these joints and regular trips to the clap clinic a must. Nothing says #trueLad like a clean bill of health from a medical professional.Don't wear flip-flopsJust don't. Sign up for the Guardian Today Our editors' picks for the day's top news and commentary delivered to your inbox each morning. 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